Monday, November 2, 2015

Not just another rainy morning

Fall is usually my favorite season. The colors of the leaves, the sweaters, the hot drinks... this fall, less so. It's been rainy and warm, with a few nice days here and there, but mostly it's been a wet dreary fall so far.

Today I had plans, but a call from the school nurse cancelled all of my plans and has me home-bound with a kiddo down for the count. Not exactly how I planned to spend today. So I put a movie on for the kids and put the kettle on.

I hate waiting for my kettle to boil. That's one of the reasons I enjoy drinking coffee so much. I just brew a cup and it's ready to go. With tea I have to wait for the kettle, and then it's always too hot to drink right away. Hypothetically I could make tea in my Keurig but I find that unless I'm using a K-cup (which we never do) the water has way too much coffee residue to use for tea, so here I sit, writing this post... which really is going somewhere, I promise.

unrelated: this is the face Grayson made when I was taking him out of the van today

I started my "month of no coffee" today. Sometimes I've called it a coffee fast, it could be called "no-coffee November" but it's something I've done three years in a row now, always during November. This time around I'm mainly taking a break from coffee to see if it helps Grayson fall asleep more quickly. Some days he seems to have a hard time falling asleep and staying asleep and I wonder if it has something to do with all of those Venti iced coffees I've been enjoying. So we'll see. Hopefully this helps. 

But God is amazing and sometimes he uses the things we do for the sake of something physical to accomplish something spiritual. I wasn't especially seeking God through this coffee fast but I'm finding today that in this fast I'm finding God anyway. I feel like my spiritual eyes are opening wider and God is showing me things I wasn't noticing before.

Last night I was brushing my teeth, feeling like I just wanted to cry. Feeling overwhelmed with life and at a loss for how to make any of it better, and then I remembered. I remembered that my Novembers are just really hard. They are the anniversary of when Daniel de-converted eight years ago, and as much as I don't want to remember that, I do. November feels oppressive, it feels full of spiritual attack, it has me feeling like I've hit a wall. 

As I brushed my teeth last night I reminded myself that I've been through this before. I've been through worse even. Much worse. And God has been faithful to me. I have hit my Jericho wall and I have watched God make those walls crumble.

We don't wrestle against flesh and blood... it might feel like it's the husband and the kids and these hormones that are driving me crazy, but I know better. And I remember that my feet stand firmly on the Rock. I know that in Him I won't be greatly shaken. I try to remember that on the other side of the season of storm when it feels like my world is falling apart it is really falling into place.

I lift my heart to heaven and cry a "how long, oh Lord" thankful for words from the Pslams to echo what is in my heart, I feel God whisper "wait awhile longer." I wrestle with it a bit until I recognize the comfort and I could just laugh at the beauty and simplicity of it.  

The kettle boils, I set out butter to soften for cookies. I'm thankful for a moment of perspective on this rainy gray Monday.

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