Monday, November 2, 2015

31 days of brave: boundaries & my kids

Yesterday I wrote about boundaries and my feelings about perfectionism. Today I want to write about boundaries, perfectionism and my kids.

I totally obliterate boundaries with my kids - like I said yesterday, I didn't grow up with the idea of healthy boundaries, I had this lightning bolt of clarity as I was thinking about my own lack of boundaries, perfectionism and my big issue with regret.

If we sat and talked about my real honest parenting goals and values somewhere on my top 5 would be that my kids not have the same regrets I do. I regret not taking advantage of the education my parents offered me. I regret all of the time and effort I put into my crushes. I regret not going to college or having any space between when I was a child in my parent's home to when I was a wife in my husband's home. I don't know - maybe that saved me a lot of wasted time and grief. But I want that for my kids.

 I tend to not give my kids the space to make their own mistakes. I deny my kids the power of regret - making mistakes and learning from them. To learn the process of dealing with their own small mistakes, recognizing shame and dealing with guilt in a healthy way. To move on from "I am a failure" to "I failed, now what an I learn from this failure and move on."

I find it easy to adopt this :I am a failure" mentality as a mother, feeling stuck under a rock of shame. My kids need to feel that there are boundaries - that there is authority but not superiority. They need to have some sense of their own power, they need to have space to recognize their own values.

I want to be the kind of person who lives my values, not just professes values and then does whatever is easy or convenient. To live my values means to be brave in the face of my own fears and failures to accept that this is a journey of falling on my face, that "I ought to know better" needs to be replaced with "what can I learn from this?" and that this grace that I need to offer to myself I also need to extend to my kids.

To live my values means taking back responsibility for my own life and not valuing peace at any price.

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