As I slogged through my season in the mud I felt more hedged in than ever before. I was crying out to God to move me - to take me deeper, to help me be brave and bold and beautiful, and here I was pregnant, feeling sick and exhausted and staring down another five years of being trapped in my full-time mommy role. I had just started dreaming about what I might do once Eli started school and the whole thing suddenly became a mute point and it made me miserable.
I had this moment at the bathrooms at the park near my house, when I realized that my life felt like a dark hallway and every door in the hallway was locked. All I could do was move forward and it was driving me crazy. I felt like I was stoping at every door, banging my hands agains them, desperately willing them to open, finally slouching down against them to sob on the floor.
As I look back at how God has hedged me in, I have begun to realize that He has always done it so that He could bring me from point A to a point B that was more beautiful than I could imagine in the middle of my darkness. I think that through this season of frustration He was not allowing me to be sidetracked, that He was getting me ready for the next season, pulling me through a season of pruning, hedging me in so that I would arrive at the next season ready for it.
Out of necessity I had to turn my eyes away from the Big Life-Changing Things, away from the Big Dreams and Big Plans, the things that are cinematic and noteworthy, and turn to the small things. I began to notice the ordinary and mundane, to look more closely, to discover the miracle that is hidden in this everyday.
I have been reading Simply Tuesday (by Emily Freeman) and I feel like it arrived at my doorstep at just exactly the right moment. In the first chapter she quotes Eugene Peterson:
"The metaphors Jesus uses for the life of ministry are frequently images of the single, the small, the quiet which have effects far in excess of their appearance: salt, leaven, seed. Our culture publicized the opposite emphasis: the big, multitudinous, the noisy."I get this. I so get this. I believe that God is using the small and quiet places of my life that would be montaged away in a movie of my perfectly un-dramatic life, to slowly, like yeast working in a ball of dough, change the atmosphere of my home, and my soul. I am slowly starting to see that God is using small, quiet lives to dramatically change the landscape of His Kingdom.
I am starting to be thankful for these hedged-in moments. I'm realizing that God is seriously doing me a favor, even if in the middle of it I'm freaking out. I'm realizing that in the middle He is working, even if I can't tell you what exactly it is He is doing or where He is leading.