I wrote yesterday about brokenness and today I wanted to write about that more because as my year of Brave began - this is the place where it started for me. To embrace my brokenness and imperfection.
I wrote this blog post called let it go and this is what I said:
I felt God remind me that I can't carry the weight of perfectionism out onto the deep water.
If I am being honest this is what is going on with me - I want to be liked. I do not like being misunderstood. I do not like putting myself in a position where people might think badly of me. If I'm going to write something on my blog or some other form of social media I want it to be liked. But this keeps me in the shallow waters and the safe places of conformity and people pleasing.
I want to succeed - because the fear of failure and of appearing foolish is a huge struggle for me. It would be easier for me to do nothing than to try hard for something big and fail. I need more people in my life who are willing to look foolish. Who are willing to make mistakes but who are not willing to play it safe. God made you and me to be a unique voice within his body but I am too afraid of what other people might think or say or how they might treat me differently if I were to really speak my mind. I get that there needs to be balance but too often balance is a cop-out for not being brave.
Look- we are the redeemed ones. Not the have-it-all-together don't need any help thankyouverymuch ones. Why do I feel the crazy need to always keep up the appearance that I am perfectly balanced? I don't think that should be the goal. I would much rather be a balancing influence in the lives of people around me. But y'all - to be that is a scary thing for someone like me. I like to blend in. I like to fit in. I desperately want to belong. I tend to speak and act out of the fear that if I am known and seen as I truly am that I will be rejected. I forget that we are all a mess. That we are all on a journey. But in my fear I put on my mask and say what I feel like I ought to say or I say nothing at all out of the fear of saying the wrong thing. But that is so wrong. A few years ago I wrote a about conforming in my post the non-ergonomic me, and about presenting an emotionally photoshopped version of myself to others. (please go read those posts - they are so much better than this one!!)
I can't carry the weight of perfectionism out onto the deep waters. I can't wear the mask and speak the truth. I am broken, but in Christ I am mended. I am a mess of scars left behind by wounds inflicted both by myself and others but in Jesus I find healing. I don't want to live my life hiding my scars and flaws and cracks because it is through those cracks that God's light shines - it is the healing of those wounds that gives other people hope in the middle of their own mess.