Friday, October 23, 2015

31 Days of Brave: Day 23 - my postpartum body


I've been writing a lot about the importance of sharing my mess from in the middle of it. Not from the other side looking back, but oh I'm okay now.

So here is my confession: accepting my postpartum body has been hard this time around. My body feels like such a wonky size. Maternity clothes don't fit right, pre-pregnancy clothes don't fit at all. I look in the mirror and I have a hard time accepting that this is the body that I am in right now. I try to get dressed in something other than pajamas and I have a hard time accepting that this is what I look like. I know that this is temporary and I'm trying to be gentle with my body even in my thoughts, but I feel all wrong. Too big, everywhere. I've gone through this six times. I don't remember ever feeling this way about my post-partum body before. I know I gained less weight this time around. I can see that my belly is not as big as I thought it would be at just six weeks postpartum. I know that I am recovering from this birth quickly, but I feel blah. I have not wanted to be seen in public because I feel like I look unpresentable. No one has said anything to me about how I look other than to be super-kind (other than my kids - kids are brutal). My friends have all been like "you look so good" and I'm thinking "then why do I feel like I look so bad?" I don't get it. 

This post doesn't have a "But..." This is just where I'm at right now. I don't have answers. I don't know why I feel this way pr what will make my feelings about my body change. I'm simply writing this for you, on the other side of this screen who maybe feels the same way too, or once did. I'm writing this because sometimes we just need a moment to say "me too".


On a fun note - I have been just loving this song by Andy Grammer. Eli & I love to sing the chorus to each other when we are waiting on something... My girls started watching Dancing with the Stars last night (that is a conversation for another day...) and Andy Grammer is on it this season and he seems like such a nice guy.


P.S. This week has been a little better. I started doing yoga again. I started with just one sun salutation before breakfast. Then I put on some worship music and did sun salutation flow through one song. Today I went through two. Slowly building back up. I'm so far from where I have been in my yoga practice but starting again feels really good. Today I'm walking with a friend and the day could not be more beautiful.

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