It's 1am and I've hit a wall.
Grayson was born on Labor Day at 8:36pm and we have just passed the 24 hour point and I'm starting to feel the exhaustion. Not just physically but mentally & emotionally.
I've been in this uncomfortable bed, in this room for more than 24 hours. I haven't slept for more than an hour or two at a time. Sometimes Grayson's skin-to-skin sessions send me over the edge of "I'm a little warm" and into "spontaneous combustion". I really need a shower. My legs feel like they want to start to train for a marathon. My back has been aching all day. The food here is gross. The alarms in the hall have been going off all night and all I want is to just be home. The nurse comes to check vitals and we all wake up. I can feel myself spiraling out of control emotionally.
This is a moment of choice. A moment to buck up, grind it out, just get through it - or be vulnerable and admit my neediness. I am slowly learning that there is a lot more bravery in admitting need.
I ask Daniel to sit next to me for a bit, and he moves into the tiny space next to me on the bed. We don't talk. He just holds my free hand while I nurse Grayson and lay my head against his strong arm. I know I'm not alone. We're in this together.
Sometimes fear makes us reach out to the nearest person and say "I am totally freaking out!" but it can equally be fear that says "I'm fine." "Thanks, I don't need anything." Fear of what other people will think of us. Fear of being considered weak.
It takes being brave to say "I'm really not okay" "I'm not fine." "please just come sit with me." Or have a coffee with me, or take a walk with me. Sometimes it is the simple text saying "please pray for me" or sitting down on the floor in the middle of toddler chaos and saying "mama needs a hug." To say to our husbands that we just need to go take a bath for a little bit. it takes a lot of brave to be honest about our neediness. To own it, to sit in it, to let someone help us out for a change.
The thing about being brave is that when we are brave we give the people around us permission to be brave too. When we model a healthy kind of neediness we set the example in our relationships and encourage others to express their own neediness - they know they won't be judged by you.