Monday, October 19, 2015

31 Days of Brave: Day 19 fat arms, floral skirts and first days

I woke up feeling a happy mix of excited and nervous for our first day of small group. I joined my best friend's small group for this semester because I knew that even if I don't make it to many of the meetings I needed to come as often as I am able - isolation is a big problem for me,  and there is nothing like having a baby to make you feel deeply isolated.

The happy feelings of excited and anxious began tipping towards the side of anxious as I looked through what I have left to wear. 40 weeks pregnant is not super-cute or comfortable. Today's forcast was in the 90s. I picked my most comfortable skirt and a tank top.  

This comfy skirt is in a kind of loud floral print, it's also not a maternity skirt it's just a size or so bigger than what I'd usually wear. I don't usually do loud or floral I do neutrals and usually no prints, unless it's a scarf, or lately a plaid in subdued color, and I feel pretty nervous about wearing non-maternity clothes now that I'm hugely preggo. But I couldn't stand the thought of sitting in jeans - so skirt it would be.

Then I started looking around for a tank top to cover up my arms. I have a thing about the fat on my arms. I don't think I judge about other women's arms, as a little girl I loved my mom's arms, their softness and the way they smelled, but my arms are a totally different story. I'm always trying to cover them up. To go to my first small group meeting in a tank top felt really revealing.

I wish I could tell this in some way that was funny or poetic but there's nothing funny or poetic about trying to get dressed when you are 40 weeks pregnant. You are down to your last couple of tops and one or two bottoms and you just wear them all of the time.  That's just the way it is.

I took a deep breath. Slipped on my flip flops and hoped I wouldn't be judged too harshly by my cute, confident friends. 

I should have known better. I got so many compliments on my skirt, no one mentioned how big I'm getting. Everyone was just super-excited to meet our new little guy. 

I have been thinking about this a little bit today. Thinking about how afraid we can be about showing up with our fat arms and floral skirts - we want to come covered up and feeling safe instead of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. I don't have anything eloquent to say about it today but it's something I'm thinking about. It's also something I wrote about a little bit more the other day.

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