Saturday, October 17, 2015

31 Days of Brave: Day 17 - Lost in the Middle

All week long I've been sharing about my middle places, I wrote about being in the middle of the fire,  about remembering not to put my hope in circumstances but to put my hope in God. I wrote about remembering that I am precious to God. Today's post is a cry from deep inside the middle place because I think it's important to share this kind of honesty, to draw back the curtain and say "I don't know what God is doing here, and I'm really struggling with that." This is my moment in the middle.  

I'm putting away dishes in my kitchen listening to Broken Vessels (Amazing Grace) I get to the chorus

I can see you now I can see the love in your eyes
Laying yourself down raising up the broken to life

If I'm honest...  I can't see. I don't see Him now. I have in the past. I have seen the love in His eyes. I just don't see it now. I still feel lost. Not like lost lost but just like where am I? lost. I don't see what He is doing. I don't know where this is going. I can't feel Him near. I can't see the love in His eyes. I'm just feeling lost in the middle.

I read in Brene Brown's book "Rising Strong" about feeling lost in the middle:
Day two, or whatever the middle space is for your own process, is when you're "in the dark" - the door has closed behind you. You're too far in to turn around and not close enough to the end to see the light... Experience and success don't give you an easy passage to the middle spaces of struggle. They only grant you a little grace, a grace that whispers, "This is part of the process. Stay the course." Experience doesn't create even a single spark of light in the darkness of the middle space. It only instills in you a little bit of faith in your ability to navigate the dark. The middle is messy, but it's also where the magic happens.

The next song on my playlist begins

I give you my life 
I give you my trust
You are my God
and You are enough

My heart is Yours
My heart is Yours
Take it all
Take it all
My life in your hands

This is my prayer for the middle moments - in the darkness, in the storm, in the fire, that I would put my life in His hands, to quiet my soul and put my trust in Him. He is faithful. So faithful. I can trust Him even when my eyes can't see.

back to the beginning
continue reading... my 1am fears

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