Thursday, October 15, 2015

31 days of brave: Day 15 - the flames shall not consume you

I was originally planning to post this later on in this series but as I was looking through my drafts last night this post seemed like the right one to follow-up yesterday's post.  I wrote this post during my baby's hospitalization on the hardest and worst night during our hospital stay. I sobbed on my little couch, then I put on some worship music and read through some of the posts I'd been writing for my 31 days of brave series then I wrote this:  

What do you do when the thing you fear the most actually happens?

This is what happens: you survive.
You take one step at a time.
One day at a time.
Moment to moment, day to day.

In your Alice In Wonderland-esq drop to see how deep this rabbit hole goes, each day you fall a bit deeper, things get even worse than you thought they could ever be.

This is the free-fall.
The high-dive into faith.

This is what happens:
you cry in your bathroom.
You sob in the darkness.
You let it go and let it out
because you know if you don't it just might kill you,
or at least, you know, make you super-sick physically and emotionally.

This week has been my free fall. As I'm writing this Grayson is only 11 days old and we have spent the last three of them in the hospital. He got a fever on day 8 (Tuesday), was admitted to the children's hospital on day 9 with a UTI, got his first renal ultrasound on day 10 and discovered grade 3 hyrdonephrosis. Today he got his VCUG that diagnosed him with grade 5 kidney reflux and his urologist wants to perform surgery on Monday. I am finding that this rabbit hole is deep.

No one wants their precious brand new baby to have to be hospitalized.
No mother wants to have to be away from her other kids for this long.
No parent wants to see their newborn face a surgery.

I am finding this week, in the middle of extreme exhaustion, that God is taking me so far deeper into trusting Him than I would have ever chosen. I am learning things about fear that I did not want to know. I am seeing things in myself that I did not want to see.

I am also feeling the roots of my faith dig deep. I feel how much the difficulty of the last years and months have deepened my faith and helped teach me to respond in faith and trust even when my world feels like it is falling apart. I can feel the way my heart has re-rutted itself into patterns of worship, leaning into God and reaching out to wise loving friends. I am having to walk out everything I've been learning about neediness and vulnerability. I am learning what it means to be brave in the fire.

I am choosing to believe that this fire will not consume me. The picture above is the lock screen on my phone, and it has been for the last while. I went back and re-read that post tonight and it was like I was writing everything that I'd need to be reminded of tonight. These flames will not consume me. This fear will not win. We will get through this, and my clothes won't even smell like smoke.

continue reading... in the middle part 3

Throughout this series I have been sharing the songs that have been my lifeline - today's song is different. I just heard it for the first time yesterday, it is one of the most beautiful worship videos I've ever seen. (Also check out this one - it's so beautiful!) One of my favorite lines of this song is "whether I sink or whether I swim it makes no difference when I'm beautifully in over my head." 


  1. I'm so sorry you're going through this with your sweet baby. My second baby was in the hospital for quite a while after her birth and it was so hard. I'm pretty sure postpartum hormones do not help the situation, but it's hard to see through that when you're in it. Your little boy is beautiful, I will keep him and you in my prayers! Hang in there!

  2. Wow. So much you are going through now. As a mama, I can only imagine how hard these days must be. I'm over my head in faith in a different way (actually just blogged a bit about not wanting to go in so deep) so I can relate to the feeling of needing to be brave. Prayers for you and your precious baby! I apologize if you posted this song because I haven't read all of your posts but have you heard "Heroes" by Amanda Cook? It's all about bravery and I think would bless you at this time in your life.

    1. Thank you for the suggestion! I'm looking it up on YouTube right now. I've enjoyed her other songs SO much. Shepherd is one of my favorites.

  3. This is my anthem song now! I love this post♡


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