Before yesterday I hadn't published much here, but I've been writing things in draft now and then. Here is a post I wrote about a month ago, but the heart of what I wrote here is what has been on my mind for awhile now.
The sun is shining, there's a cool breeze blowing, it's the kind of day that makes me appreciate living here in the South but all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.
I'm pregnant. This is normal. It stinks, but it's just part of it. Some days you just need to cry.
We head out the door, eventually we'll end up at the grocery store so that we have something to eat for dinner tonight, but for right now we're at the park, in the sunshine and fresh air. Eli's in the stroller and I'm walking, even though I'm wearing flip flops and a skirt. This is good.
We stop for a quick potty break and I take a picture of the stalls, all in a row. All the doors closed, with toilet paper strewn here and there. This is exactly what my life feels like at this moment. Every door is shut and I'm traveling down this long, dark hallway. I try to open doors along the way but my only option is to move forward. In the middle of my mess...
These words are echoing in my mind today....
I see a couple with their newborn baby and a 2 year old who is stubbornly walking by herself, and I think how that was me ten years ago. I want to tell her "I know that all of this feels insignificant, but there is nothing you could be doing for your daughter's future happiness then to keep on spending time with her now. Lots of time. Lots of love. You don't get to re-do these years. I know it's exhausting. I know it feels like nothing. But trust me, one day you'll look back on these days and realize that they were everything" and the words I want to say to her I find myself saying to me. My nothingness really is profound. This day after day (after day after day) really does matter.
I might feel burned-out. I might feel frustrated. I might feel inadequate and overwhelmed but I'm slowly and quietly learning that it is the small and simple things that collectively make such an enormous difference.