Monday, January 5, 2015

Overwhelmed

It's the last day of Christmas break.

I love my kids and I have loved having them home. I loved that we had one last day together. But today had been a train wreck. 

My life is so loud. 

I have had so much in my head today. I hate that sometimes all the thoughts in my head crowd out being present with my kids. I'm thinking about writing projects and some upcoming events and my to-do list and struggling to stay present and totally overwhelmed by trying so hard to not overreact to the high level of noise constantly interrupting my train of thought.

My kids have been so loud today. I just want to cry and scream and beg for them to please please please just be quiet and kind to each other and for heaven's sake stop shooting each other with their nerf guns.

I hate feeling this overwhelmed. I hate feeling this hyper-sensitive. I do not like this part of myself. I know that there are moments when being this way is really good. It is good. But it is not always easy. 

I wrote to a friend once "may you be overwhelmed by nothing but God's great grace for you today." and I realize that I need these words for myself today.

Tonight I sent the kids to the back of the house and sat on the kitchen floor and cried. It was a good, much-needed cry. Then the water boiled and it was time to get dinner working. I turned on my worship playlist, stirred my veggies, watched my pasta and practiced surrender. Inch by inch letting go. 

I'm thinking now about that verse that says a grain of wheat must fall to the ground and die - Jesus was talking about His death. How His plan for His people was radically different than what they expected. They expected a now-triumphant king. They did not expect a crucified savior. 

But I'm also thinking that this verse is for me too. That Jesus keeps asking me to lay down my hopes, my dreams, my expectations, even my self-image - everything. Let Him have it all, let it go, watch it die. I keep feeling that the things He has for me are different, better, than anything I would choose for myself. 

But I can't have it both ways. I have to let go to my rights, my expectations, my demands on God for my life to go as planned or be a certain way or for things to be just so hard but no more. 

In surrender there is freedom. So much freedom. And so much grace.

And because I just couldn't help it here is a music video that encapsulates what is on my heart today:


2 comments:

  1. Oh, Sweet Violet! Do I EVER remember those days of being overwhelmed! With things on our minds; stuff we HAVE to do; the kids wanting our attention...and being soooo loud! Yes, overwhelmed! Such beautiful words - hope that as you came to the ending of your thoughts on being overwhelmed - God's words brought you back to that place where His grace set you free of that feeling of being overwhelmed! My thoughts and prayers are with you - thank you for opening your heart to us!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I was just telling someone this morning how LOUD my kids are! Sometimes it makes my head spin. Hang in there, mama ;) you're doing a great job!

    ReplyDelete

Your comments make my day!!

Sign up to be notified about upcoming classes!!

* indicates required