Friday, January 2, 2015

A small moment

This afternoon things got bad. I was on the borderline of screaming at everyone about everything. I could see my kids cringing. I had a discipline issue and felt myself ready to go into full-on nuclear explosion over a pretty routine sibling squabble (even though in the moment a squabble never feels routine. It feels like a full-on assault on all of your parenting).

I went into the kitchen to try to calm down. I'm like what is going on?! I remeber, very very clearly that I used to feel like this ALL of the time. I remeber why I used to spend so much time behind my camera and at my computer, it was my life-raft that made me feel like my head was above water.

I think I'm just tired, I've been out of any kind of routine for three weeks. I have had to do so much more parenting. I have had only tiny bits of time to be still and just be. I have had to answer questions about video games, computer time and candy all week and feel like I'm teetering between failure on both ends - between the grinch mom who doles out fun in minutes, and the fun-mom who lets my kids stay in their PJs all day and be on electronics all day - I have been trying so hard to keep it together and now I feel like I have hit the wall, I have hit full-on overwhelmed. 

In the middle of wall-to-wall chaos I feel like my to-do list is screaming at me from every corner. From the stack of books I long to sit down and finish to the Christmas tree that needs to be taken down and all of the clutter and chaos in between.

But I am trying to take a look around, take a deep breath and tell myself that it's not that bad. Yes, I have a lot to do, yes there have been a lot of distractions and changes to plans, but they have all been good changes, they have all been good things to do. I'm going to sit here, drink a glass of water, because as much as I want a cup of coffee I don't want to be up till 2am even more. Coffee isn't magic juice. It won't make me feel like I have a spine again or solid ground under my feet again. It'll just make me hyper-alert, and more ready to totally explode.

I am going to choose to be thankful that this is just one day. I'm thankful that I've grown out of this. I'm thankful that this is not my every day. I am going to slow down, breathe. Put on a DVD for the kids, wash these dishes and just do the next thing and then the next and remeber that the three hundred interruptions will be good ones. They will be chances to show my kids, and so teach them kindness and calmness - and apologizing for when we are not kind. 

1 comment:

  1. Sweet Violet...just sit behind that computer or camera - let it all wash around you and sit in silence as you take a deep breath to carry on with what needs to be done. And remember - those days will FLY by all too soon; so enjoy the time you DO have with your children - and pray through the times when there are sibling fights and squabbles and all that stuff...Blessing to you and your family - and may you find those times for YOU as well as those for your family...thanks for sharing! I DO understand how it is to just want to SCREAM (or maybe even HIT - or spank - someone!). This too shall pass! Enjoy it while you can...

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