Thursday, October 16, 2014

Day 15

This is Day 15 of my 31 days of writing series called "Confessions of a Road Kill Christian" If you haven't read Day 1 yet you can click here first. I am linking up with #write31days. I hope that through this series of posts we'll be encouraged by who God is and who He says we are in Him. 

And the photo bombing and selfies continue...
I sat across from my best friend the other day and she asked me  "so are you going to write about how things are now? Because I think some people are assuming your story ends a certain way."

I realized, as I thought about her question some more, that maybe I wasn't. I had some nice posts planned to round out my series though, I guess I planned to wrap it up in a nice sparkly bow, but that's not real life, is it?

Let's be honest. It is so much easier to write about our stories when we are writing about what happened in the past - the mess of last year, the disaster of a decade ago. Sometimes I have a hard time writing and being honest about the hard moments of now. In some ways, that's not a terrible thing. I have a different perspective now to the things I've been through, I've had time and space to process. Mostly though I have a hard time with the hard parts of my now.

Today I woke up full of joy. The sky was blue the sun was shining, a cool breeze was blowing and I was working on my 3rd cup of coffee. Today was going to be a great day.

Later in the day, as I began my yoga practice, I lay in child's pose and found myself sobbing. I did some sun salutations and raised up to warrior, one of m favorite poses, and just wept. I am really struggling with finding the right words to share the struggle of my now. To honor my husband and celebrate the healing our marriage has had over the last few years, and yet be honest that it is hard.

This weekend has gone by too quickly!! Daniel had already left for Atlanta and we all already miss him so much! This week's goodbyes were even harder than last week!
My husband is still an atheist. Not the "angry at God" kind or the "I don't care anymore" kind but the "god isn't real" kind, the "Jesus is a myth" kind. He is not like the atheist in "God is not dead". He believes as he does because he looked honestly at the evidence and came to the conclusion that the Christian God does not exist. He is a kind husband and a loving dad. He has endured a lot more because of his atheism than most people I know have to endure because of their faith. For the past seven years we have both struggled to show respect for each other's beliefs and try to build a family that is both, when most of our friends are one or the other. It is really hard.

Marriage is hard. Every marriage has struggles, I don't think our marriage is significantly different from anyone else's. We share a lot of the same values even if some of our core beliefs are different.

It's not nothing, but it's not everything either.

We found an awesome pavilion where we ate our picnic lunch.Heading homeuploadAnniversary date night pic. 13 years ago today I married my best friend - on a SNOWY Georgia afternoon!! So glad to have an evening together without constant interruption.

9 comments:

  1. I love your story it's beautiful and real and sad and happy and all the things that real life is. God is a big big God and He loves your dear dear family. You are precious in His sight.
    I appreciate your husbands honest search for truth, Someone who is willing to look closely and be true to what he believes is rare. I'm afraid there are too many Christians who don't grapple with their doubts.
    Bless you.

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  2. Love this.

    I often have a hard time writing about the tough things in the moment - I worry my process will mess up someone else's process and then when I get things sorted out, they won't come back to read how I did it. But there is beauty in the mess, and I adore those who are willing to be transparent.

    Appreciate you, new friend!

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  3. Wow! Thank you for sharing. One of my dear friends is married to a man who claimed to be an atheist and now says he is more along the lines of a Buddhist. I can't imagine how hard it is to find a balance between both of your values and beliefs.

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  4. I can somewhat relate to this. My husband was raised as a Lutheran in Denmark. But it was a matter of culture, not belief. Now he vacillates between being a sort of Christian and an agnostic, if that makes any sense. It's hard, but I don't think as hard as what you've been through (the loss of a spouse's faith). Thank you for sharing.

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    1. That would be hard, because it would be hard for him to be a spiritual leader in your home if he doesn't know what he believes. It means you have to stand on your own in your faith and that is really hard. But if you keep loving you won't regret it :)

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  5. Faith, I love the picture you paint of your day from the breeze to sobbing during yoga. Our days are like that. So good and so hard and so mundane. Thanks for sharing your heart and your struggle in the now.

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  6. I wanted to cry seeing your beautiful pictures of you and your husband in the beginning of this post! They speak SO much! After reading your story and then seeing those pictures of 'today' I'm guessing, it was like restoration. Not perfection or arriving but just a picture of redemption and maybe in the process of restoration? We can only hope for the best, right? Love your realness as you right. May God bless your words!

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  7. That you have been able to hold onto your marriage and not let this crisis tear it apart speaks worlds about both you and your husband. I am in awe of your perseverance in the face of what must be so utterly heartbreaking at times. I have had days like the one you describe here where you wake up in a good mood, thinking that it's going to be a good day and then wind up in the floor and crying at some later point in the day (that's a lot of what my Day 14 was). I've also had days where I woke up dreading getting out of bed that wound up being much better than what I expected. ((((hugs)))) to you, my sweet new friend!

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