I sat across from my best friend the other day and she asked me "so are you going to write about how things are now? Because I think some people are assuming your story ends a certain way."
I realized, as I thought about her question some more, that maybe I wasn't. I had some nice posts planned to round out my series though, I guess I planned to wrap it up in a nice sparkly bow, but that's not real life, is it?
Let's be honest. It is so much easier to write about our stories when we are writing about what happened in the past - the mess of last year, the disaster of a decade ago. Sometimes I have a hard time writing and being honest about the hard moments of now. In some ways, that's not a terrible thing. I have a different perspective now to the things I've been through, I've had time and space to process. Mostly though I have a hard time with the hard parts of my now.
Today I woke up full of joy. The sky was blue the sun was shining, a cool breeze was blowing and I was working on my 3rd cup of coffee. Today was going to be a great day.
Later in the day, as I began my yoga practice, I lay in child's pose and found myself sobbing. I did some sun salutations and raised up to warrior, one of m favorite poses, and just wept. I am really struggling with finding the right words to share the struggle of my now. To honor my husband and celebrate the healing our marriage has had over the last few years, and yet be honest that it is hard.
My husband is still an atheist. Not the "angry at God" kind or the "I don't care anymore" kind but the "god isn't real" kind, the "Jesus is a myth" kind. He is not like the atheist in "God is not dead". He believes as he does because he looked honestly at the evidence and came to the conclusion that the Christian God does not exist. He is a kind husband and a loving dad. He has endured a lot more because of his atheism than most people I know have to endure because of their faith. For the past seven years we have both struggled to show respect for each other's beliefs and try to build a family that is both, when most of our friends are one or the other. It is really hard.
Marriage is hard. Every marriage has struggles, I don't think our marriage is significantly different from anyone else's. We share a lot of the same values even if some of our core beliefs are different.
It's not nothing, but it's not everything either.