Thursday, October 9, 2014

Day 10: the end of the ending

This is Day 10 of my 31 days of writing. You can read Day 1 here. I am linking up with The Nester's  #write31days challenge. I hope you will stick around for the whole thing...  my desire is that by the end we'll be encouraged by who God is and who He says we are to Him. I've been sharing my story this week. 





Are you leaving me? He asked
Let's just get the kids to bed. I replied.



I had spent every one of my teenage years trying to decide which parent I wanted to live with if they ever got a divorce. For most of my childhood I had watched my parents make each other miserable and had promised myself, if I was ever in their position I would walk away.

I think the devil put that lie into my heart at that young age so that it would be hard for me to recognize it when my moment came. when I looked at my storm-wrecked marriage and had to decide to stay or leave.

This was not how I'd planned to discuss the possibility of separating, I had hoped we would come to some kind of mutual agreement. I thought that the best thing for all of us would be for us to divorce so he could be free to marry someone who shared his worldview and I could be free to marry someone who shared mine. It seemed to me like we would both be happier.



"Are you really planning on leaving me?" He asked once all our little ones were safely tucked in.

Yes I replied

Daniel had become someone who, if I'd met him in a group setting, I wouldn't have become friends with. He was actively opposed to God, he supported things politically and socially that I didn't. We had Big Huge Fights about things that were really important to both of us but here we were sharing the same space, the same bed, the same kids. It was hard on me. It was hard on him. I just wanted all of the hurting to stop. 

We went to emergency counseling the next day and we decided to try to resolve our differences. I realized that my idea that we could somehow split and it not be anything by a bloody, awful heartbreaking mess was total bull-shit. I mean it. Daniel and I walked around raw from the trauma of this one night for months. I can not even begin to imagine what kind of disaster it would have wrecked in our hearts if I had followed through with my intentions.

It was a moment that declared my unbelief in what God was able to do in my husband, in my marriage, and in me.  For a long time this moment covered me in shame. I thought my husband would never trust me again. I thought God would be eternally disappointed in me. I felt like I was nothing but a road-kill Christian.

A few months later Daniel was offered a job in Augusta, we moved here and God began healing me and putting back the pieces of my broken heart. 

4 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing your story. It is a great testimony of God's faithfulness and how He forgives in all things. I pray He blesses your marriage.

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  2. I am here with you everyday, Faith. Praying and thankful that you are sharing. Reading and knowing that you are doing your best to both be honest, honor God and honor your marriage.

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  3. When the email arrives that your post is up, I smile. I look forward to reading it, and save it for my reward for finishing my writing in the evening. Good night all. Tomorrow things take a turn for the better?

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  4. Faith, I wish I had more time to read your story, right now, but I'm coming back later...at a better time. I just wanted to thank you for leaving such an encouraging comment on my blog. Also, I've read a few posts in your 31 Days series, and in the latest you mentioned how exhausted you are at writing your story linearly. Anyway, I wrote a series on my widowhood a while back, and it was ex.haust.ing.!! I never want to write it again. I wrote organically, one post, week to week, working only from an outline. It felt like everything I said was inadequate and much to...to the point. And so, I commend you for writing your story in a 31 Days series. It's a powerful one and I know God will use. I think it's the enemy who would want to make you exhausted and possibly even discouraged. Keep it up!! It's super encouraging! Blessings and love. -Jacqui

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