Tuesday, September 16, 2014

I'm okay with the questions

I have been asking a lot of questions lately. Questions that once filled my journal have started coming out into the open. I ask these questions as Daniel sits across the table, I talk about it with him on the phone in the middle of the day, I have started writing about them here on my blog, so it has started coming up in face to face conversations with friends. I have tried to be open and honest about how hard it has been for me to live with questions without answers. Waiting with questions hanging in the air.

But lately it had been a little easier. I have been okay with the questions. Because finally the questions have moved on from "what next?" to more specific questions about how we are going to live our lives.

Doing this reminds me that I am healthy.
I have had seasons that were not so healthy, when I was barely getting through the day and the weeks. I have had years where I was barely scraping through. While being in a season of asking big questions about our life isn't necessarily comfortable, I feel like it's a reminder of how much more healthy I am now then I was even a few years ago.

This season remind me that  I am brave enough to hope. 
There have been times when I didn't dare to hope. When I was just getting by. When life had run over me so many times that hope felt like it was a luxury I couldn't afford. Now I have hope. 

Asking these questions about our life, and talking about them with Daniel reminds me that we have a renewed hope for our marriage. If we thought of our marriage as a time bomb, about to explode, we wouldn't be able to have these kinds of big conversations. 

Asking questions reminds me that I can be honest. 
Honest with myself about what I really want my life to look like, but especially with others. To say what I am honestly thinking without being afraid that they'll think I'm crazy. Yes - what Daniel wants for our lives and what I want are going to be different, but I believe that when we dig down beneath the surface - want a lot of the same things. We have to talk about them and be really honest with what we want and what our big crazy dreams are in order to work towards something that we really want.

Being honest also means not copying anyone else. We all have our own stories, our own trials and blessings. I can't copy someone else's journey hoping that it will make me happy. I have to live my own unique life with my own unique family with our own unique set of values & desires.

So, that's where I'm at right now. Thanks for listening.

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