Lately I've been struggling with the monotony of motherhood. The grind of day after day of trying hard, maybe some days more than others, but always wanting to be a good mom to my kids. At the same time motherhood feels like a 24/7 job with no pay... Most days it's hard to remember to be patient. I struggle to remember that what I sow I'll one day reap - for better and for worse.
It's summer. It's non-stop squabbling, struggling, stress. With these brief and brilliant bursts of... I don't even know what to call it. Joy? It's a hundred eye rolls, it's a thousand small decisions, like who can play on the computer and if they can watch a movie or not, it's a dozen stale-mate struggles and in between it's laughter sometimes and hugs every now and then, especially from Eli.
The other day I was making mac & cheese for dinner, Daniel had requested it so that was easy enough and so I tell the kids look, I'm making fish for dinner (is it common knowledge that everyone hates to eat fish? I mention fish for dinner and Daniel jokes that he'll have to work late, I hear a lot of complaining on a fish-night) but I'm also making mac & cheese, so I'll make fish for anyone who wants to eat fish with me but if you don't want to eat it, that's fine, just let me know if you want some and I'll make enough for however many of us want to eat fish.
I think maybe Beth will consider fish a lesser of two evils, I don't know really what to expect. I'm making fish because it's what I want to eat for dinner. Because lately it has seemed like despite the fact that mac & cheese was one of my favorite meals as a child it invariably makes me sick now. I'm making fish because this bag of frozen talapia fillets has been sitting in my freezer for too long.
To my surprise all three of my girls request fish for dinner. They ask for it enthusiastically, like it's the best thing I've offered to cook all summer. They eat it all like I'm the best chef in the city. The boys eat thir mac. The girls discuss vegetarianism and what a pescetarian is, because they heard that in a Gordon Ramsey show the other week. I sit back in surprise.
The only reason why this little episode is significant at all to me is because in this moment I saw a little glimmer, a small sweet glance at how what I do day in and day out, all these moments of nothing - they mean something. The way I like or dislike something like fish for dinner - it matters.
I have a saying that all of these little nothings add up to a beautiful something. Motherhood often feels dull and dreary, sometimes it feels like this season boxes me in, keeping me from doing all of the things I'd really like to do one day. Some days I get lost in the nothingness and loose sight of the significance in these moments. So while right now what I'm hearing is "please turn off your Christian radio station" and "please leave me alone" they are also saying "please pass the fish".