In some ways I am getting used to Daniel being gone. I locked up the house and climbed into bed without him again tonight but I do it with less of the force of trying not to forget and with more heaviness because I miss my husband.
This is only the second week that Daniel has been out of town working at his new job. How can this be? It doesn't feel like it. It feels like this has been ages and this is not getting easier.
I wrote last week that I thought it was important to document this journey so here I go...
Last week I wrote that I was trying to keep the TV off.
This week was a massive fail in the TV department. Every night after dinner we watched a bit of Dancing with the Stars. But they all looked forward to it while they finished up homework and they all sat so quietly while it was on. This afternoon I let them watch as much Cutthroat Kitchen and Beat Bobby Flay as they wanted too. For better or worse, the TV was on this week.
This week we had major sleep issues with Eli. At least they felt like major ones to me. One night he positioned himself perfectly to elbow me in my eye all night long. Another night he didn't go to sleep until 11pm(ish) and this began a perfect storm of exhaustion on both of our parts. We would be so tired we would both nap in the afternoon and then couldn't sleep at night so we'd stay up together too late and then not sleep. Today I tried to keep him up so that he didn't nap but he fell asleep while I was getting everyone ready to go to the park (around 5pm) and was up again at 8pm. Oh the joy.
This is Josiah after church today.
This week I spent one entire day in my pajamas.
I watched the entire 2009 mini-series of Jane Austen's Emma (in less than 24 hours).
One night we ate hardboiled eggs for dinner.
This week I have worked hard to give gentler disciplines - as in, not screaming or yelling - but trying to make sure that they were effective - as in having to go to bed while the rest of the family is watching TV. If I have done one thing well this week it has been that I haven't yelled at my kids.
This week I did not do a good job with my eating. I was feeling depressed and uninspired. I am feeling hormonal and craving cheeseburgers and fries and carbs. I never got a cheeseburger or fries because I'm too cheap to get Sonic for myself and the McDonalds by my house is super-gross. But I've eaten lots of carbs, which is terrible for my mood. I've also been drinking tons of coffee. Also not fantastic for my mood either. There's nothing quite like having a couple cups of coffee after dinner and then laying awake listening to the wind rattle the windows. It's a whole new level of crazy.
This week I practiced my yoga. I did a short practice twice this week. Definitely something I want to keep working on!
This week I did not clean my house it was kind of annoying because I wanted to, I just didn't have the energy, whatsoever. I did a general tidy on the kids rooms because my mom is coming over for a couple days and it was wall-to-wall mess. Last werk's cleaning frenzy did make this week easier. I was just frustrated with myself that I didn't do anything more.
This week I have tried to shift my focus. I have tried to remind myself that this season is for my good. Even though I feel like I'm ready for this to be over already, even thought I still have a looooong way to go. Even though this feels just too hard I just have to trust that something good is coming out of it and doing something good inside me.
This week I felt God remind me that he doesn't want me to stay in the same place, even if that place is a good place. He wants me to keep growing, keep moving. Even though that feels hard and it feels painful - it is good.
This weekend I felt more than ever gratitude for my husband's physical presence in our home. Even if he was in the office doing paperwork. Even if he was outside washing his truck. Even if he was on the couch catching up on American Idol with our girls. Even if he was asleep in our bed. I wanted to hold him and never let him go. I was a little worried, when he first left, that we would get on each other's nerves on the weekends after spending the week without each other. So far this separation has only has made us more aware of our love for each other and has turned us back into the massive snuggle-bugs we were when we were dating.
This weekend it was threatening to rain all weekend so we didn't really go anywhere or do anything. We ate dinner out at Pablano's which is something we used to do fairly often before Daniel got his new job. It went really well... but I didn't take any pictures.
This weekend Eli discovered the little guitar that was my brother's that my mom gave to me. He wanted to play it all weekend! So cute :)
This coming week:
Do a better job with what I eat.
Less coffee. More tea.
Yoga 3-4 times this week.
Get some ideas for what to do over the weekend.
Maybe clean out the garage?
This coming week my mom is coming to visit me for a couple of days!! I'm looking forward to the break in our routine, she always motivates me to get stuff done around the house, since we do it together and get it done twice as fast! I'm sure I'll enjoy the company.
My verse for the week comes from the sermon at my church, which was from James on Patience.
Behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful. James 5:11 (ESV)
I am believing that this season is blessing me with steadfastness (aka patience and endurance) and is for my good. Even though I have felt myself teetering at the edge of I can't do this!!! This is too hard!!! I am believing that I can get through this, and not only get through this but get through this well. I don't really have a choice in all of this. I have to make it work. But I can choose my attitude towards this. I am believing that God is compassionate towards me. That he has prepared me and will not allow me to be tempted beyond what I'm able to bear. Even though there have been moments when it has felt like more than I can bear, those are the moments when I feel like I hear God the clearest and feel him the closest. I am believing that God will bless me, like how he blessed Job after he endured his trial. It was greater than anything Job could have ever imagined. I am believing that for this season of my life.