Friday, January 10, 2014

A good solid dose of reality



If I could pick one word for last month it would be this:

derailed.

For a lot of reasons that have all kind of snowballed. November was such a good month for me, I was feeling like everything had finally clicked into place and I was moving forward consistently and intentional and then bam. Here I am again. A puddle at the bottom of the hill. I don't know if it's depression, hormones or emotional exhaustion or what but it is a struggle at the moment to move forward because I feel like I've lost my sense of direction and emotional energy. So it's just one day at a time, here in the gloom and the cold. And it's celebrating little things, like getting my laundry folded while watching back seasons of Downton Abbey. 

This month I wanted my word to be: reset. I had all these grand plans and amazing ideas for 2014, I imagined myself bursting out of the old year and into the new like the cork of a champagne bottle, but here I am struggling along. Most of all I think I'm frustrated because my reality isn't matching up with my expectations. But just now, as I was helping Eli put on his coat & shoes so we can go outside, as I was mourning a little all those hopes and plans for my grand "reset" then suddenly I remembered what I'd thought about writing about in February: abide. Maybe in this moment, maybe even for this whole month, that is my word. Abide. I feel like I can't do a lot. But I can abide. Because to abide is simply to surrender. To abide is to give up trying to make it all work in my own strength and just walk with God, in whatever season I find myself in.

I finally felt like I could write about how I've been feeling after I read this blog post by Emily Freeman. I especially loved this part:
Sometimes January has big eyes and a small stomach, too. It can be easy to stack your plate high with intention and goals, only to sit down at the table, take two bites, and realize that’s all you can digest right now.
Go read it now. It's very good. 



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