Last night was one of the worst nights we've had in a really really long time. Eli woke up at 3am sick - as in projectile vomit sick. He has done this randomly for a week now but this was the first time we didn't make it in time.
So here we are, Daniel is stripping the bed, I am wiping down the bathroom cupboards and floor, with a crying toddler but we are both disgusting and I'm just trying to do one thing at a time to hopefully get back to sleep as soon as possible.
In this moment I have this one, beautiful thought - Emmanuel: God with us. He is with me. Not above me, unable to sympathize with the gross parts of my life that I don't want to talk about. Not lording it over me like some prince in a palace far away. With me. In my mess. Literal and figurative, mental, emotional, spiritual - he's seen it all and he dives right into it with me.
Eli didn't settle back down to sleep last night. I spent hour after hour pacing the floor, laying next to him on the floor by his crib hoping to get a few minutes of sleep before it's time to get up with the bigs to get ready for school. It was miserable. I was miserable. I made those around me miserable too. I just about completely lost my voice. Watched as Josiah slumped onto the bus this morning and my heart broke.
I settled onto the couch for a quick nap after the bus left and before Eli got up, crying out for forgiveness - my mess suddenly felt a lot worse than Eli's.
Emmanuel - God with us. In my mess. In my stink. In my disgustingness. He is here, right here. Closer than my breath. Amazing.