Sunday, October 13, 2013

This is hard

This moment. Right now. Is hard.

My kids have fall break and my husband has had meeting after meeting and been out until bed time but Josiah and I've had the flu. 

My house has been SO loud, my kids are restless. I'm exhausted, on edge. Trying just to be nice. Keep us all alive one day at a time. It can't be that hard, right? Except that it feels hard. It feels almost impossible.

It's funny, the things that speak to us. 

I was watching a show on Netflix the other night and these two characters were struggling to become domestically independent. The father says to his daughter, at the very lowest of low points, "but your grandma made it all look so easy!" 

The next day as I struggled to keep up with my dishes (and really everything else) I had this thought - the good thing about my apparent inability to keep my act together is that at least my girls get to really see that this is hard.

Sometimes I get so caught up in trying to "set a good example" for my kids (and consequentially get buried under the mother-load of mom-guilt) that I forget that they need me to set a good example in other ways too - cuddling on the couch with a book even though I'm horribly behind on my to-do list, baking cookies in my finally-just-got-it-clean kitchen, it  is  asking for help when I need it (which I am terrible at by the way).

I think it's good for my kids to see me angry and hurt and disappointed and stressed (well, that last one is pretty inevitable) and it's good for me to be willing to let my kids see me apologize, forgive, make up and make things right again. I think it's good for my kids to see that this life that I love and that is 100% worth everything I could ever "give up" to be a mom, is hard. Really really hard. 

I'm not struggling
because I am weak
I'm struggling 
because THIS IS HARD

And I feel conflicted by this statement because I believe on embracing my weakness - but sometimes it seems like all I can see is lack - everything I'm screwing up, every area in which I wish I was doing better and I'm blinded to the million things I am doing that mean the world to these people who I love.

You know what, today I'm going to remind myself, a million times if I have to, that there really are better things in this life than living up to my own (impossible to achieve) ideals and to let go of the false-hope of getting my act together.

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