This is about what I've been wearing lately... but also not. It won't have any pictures because it's not about what I've been wearing so much as it's about my attitude about what I've been wearing that has been shifting.
If you have been following my blog for awhile you might remember those "what I wore" posts I used to do until I stopped buying any clothes and it just got really boring - and I started to be too shy to share. All I could see was a not-flat-enough belly, muffin-top hips and too-big arms. All I could see in my pictures was poor lighting and distracting background. So I stopped. And sometimes it's a good thing to take a break, it gives us the opportunity to try again. But sometimes it's just another warning signal that something deep has gone off-track.
I remember, when I first started learning about hearing from God, the teacher said something like "it's not like we talk to God or even expect to hear from God about everything it's not like I get up and ask God 'Okay what do you want me to wear today?' " except some days that is exactly the question I need to ask.
The first time I really remember talking to God about what I was going to wear was during a weekend conference at our church - I wanted to communicate with my clothing that I was there to hear from God, spend time with Him and not primarily to socialize. So I pretty much got out my mom uniform, my jeans and plain t-shirt and out of nowhere I felt a little tug in my heart like God was saying "You're going to wear that?" So I put on one of my favorite dresses, and my flip flops and a sweater - and actually felt really comfortable and non-flashy, even though I was wearing a dress.
I was raised really traditionally, wearing Sunday-best to church (and if that's where you are right now I so get where you're coming from), but during those early years of my church-walls falling down and my God-box exploding, and wearing (gasp!) jeans to church I found that Sunday-best wasn't a great way to prepare my heart for worship and I needed to be spending less time preparing my face to meet people and more time preparing my heart to meet God.
Except that these days I find myself falling in the ditch on the other side of the road. These days I wear my jeans and my nursery workers shirt to church every week. Usually without makeup, usually with my hair in the pony-tail-bun I've been sporting for the last year and a half. I feel comfortable like this. I feel invisible.
So now most days I grab a shirt from off the top of my clean laundry basket and my comfy yoga pants but then some days God and I have conversations while I'm getting dressed. I put on a shirt and think "I look so fat in this!!" (My arms! ack, my arms!!) I try on something else and something else. I ask God "what do you want me to wear today?" and then I have a moment when I feel like I'm talking to the wall and maybe loosing my mind a little bit, but then finally there is a moment of peace. Like an okay - this is right. And I think, maybe it's God.
I was asking God about this today, walking into Publix to buy a pack of minty gum. I'm all like "why do you care?! I always dress modestly, what difference does it make to you?" I'm walking around Publix with my sweet little boy holding my hand, we buy our pack of gum, we smile and say thank you to Mike at the cash register. We head back out into the parking lot and I hear it, loud and clear your insecurity doesn't glorify me.
Sitting here, I get it. At least I think I do. Insecurity has a lot of different faces, and a lot of different styles. I can hide my insecurity behind name brands or the latest trends. I can hide my insecurity while I'm flaunting my need for attention for anyone who has eyes. But I can also hide my insecurity in my fat-jeans and baggy t-shirt.
Whatever I do I should be looking for a way to glorify God in it.
Whatever I do I should remember that God is looking at my heart.
If I believe that I am ugly or insignificant or uncared for - it will show up, one way or another. But if I believe that when God looks at me He sees the person He created me to be, perfect as only His creation can be, precious in His eyes, even though I often twist and distort His creation, still essentially His beautiful work. If I believe that I was made, with a specific job to do, irreplaceable in this time and place and that He delights in me - that will show up too.
I want to be a person who dresses like a woman who is well loved because that it who I am.