Friday, July 5, 2013

at the end of myself... again


Josiah & Beth are now both sick.

I am exhausted overwhelmed and feeling depressed.

Today I did nothing but play games with Josiah on the Xbox, doodle on the iPad and try to keep up with Eli - who is doing his post-sickness fussy thing.

I am at the end of my rope 

I just feel awful.  Physically & emotionally empty.
After my mountain top moment 
Here I am in my valley
and it sucks.

On the one hand there are things I know I can do to feel better: eat better, go to bed earlier, get some exercise.

On the other hand I feel like there is this question I have to answer down here in this place I'd rather not be in - what do I believe about God here. 

Here - where life is not going the way I want it to
Here - where I'm not comfortable
Here - where I don't feel enough to do well what I need to do
Here - what I really believe about God comes out

Am I willing to believe God just as much here as I was able to there? Am I able to believe that God is so good in the middle of fevers and fussy kids and ruined plans as I was when I was unpacking my lost treasures? Am I willing to believe that God is at work in me now, when all I want to do is lay on the floor, as much as I believed it then, when I felt like I could see and feel the depth and breadth of what God has been accomplishing in me.
Here - in the dark stinky valley of my funk - I am learning important lessons. Even though it feels far from it. This is just as important as that. Maybe even more.
Being willing to believe that God is good when I just feel empty and miserable - that is real faith. 

1 comment:

  1. Really learning what I believe...this happens when life does not turn out the way I wanted it to be!


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