Friday, March 22, 2013

one hundred mornings day 12: in a funk

Feels like winter, looks like spring!

It looks like spring around here. 
The Bradford pear trees have started to bloom, 
daffodils have been out for weeks, 
the tree in our front yard looks more beautiful every day.
But it feels like winter, 
cold and windy and threatening rain. 
and I am in such a funk today.

My brain is foggy my body is sluggish. 
I want coffee to wake me up, 
and mask the symptoms of my depression, 
anything to make me feel better. 

I load dishes into the dishwasher, 
the words echo from my childhood 
I grope for a why in my fog
among the dirty dishes in my sink
Why do I feel this way?
What is wrong?

Nothing is wrong. 
This is just life
life with a chemical imbalance
or whatever it is that makes me this way

Some people have low blood sugar
some people have high cholesterol
I have low levels of serotonin or whatever 
Sometimes I just have to shrug and say
This is just life
life with depression
and I keep moving forward

I try to stay in engaged
I want to enjoy this day with my boys
even though all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep
even though all I want to do is cry and cry and cry
even though the smallest little thing makes me want to scream 
there's nothing really wrong
this is just life 

I stand at my counter 
I get out my gratitude journal 
I add some more to it:

sunshine outside my window
Eli's smile and his growing vocabulary
hugs from Josiah

I keep moving forward,
I throw the ball to Eli
he falls down and I hug him

Sometimes I wonder if having kids makes it harder
if I get more stressed out and overwhelmed because of them
kids are so needy, so messy

Today I think having kids is my lifeline
they are my beacon in a sea of fog and funk
they need me so I keep it together
keep moving forward
keep smiling
keep living

and I go change a diaper

3 comments:

  1. Thinking of you Faith...prayers and thoughts your way.

    Tiffany

    ReplyDelete
  2. raging hormones...or lack thereof can seriously affect the way we feel.
    or expectations...life just can't be all ups and no downs.
    Love you dearly!
    Mum

    ReplyDelete
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