Monday, February 11, 2013

Gratitude Fail

It is seven o'clock and I'm scrambling to get dinner ready.
I'm whisking my sauce at a frantic pace.
Feeling my stress levels rising.
The tightening in my chest,
the fuzziness in my brain.
My thoughts start to wander
and suddenly I realize...

I have been counting everything that's gone wrong all day. 

From cleaning vomit at 4am
to tantrums at Target
I've been running a tab all day long
and somebody owes me.

I bring my thoughts back into focus,
choose to set my mind on something better.

I start to try to count my blessings.
I start and fail.
I try, but come up lacking.
What has been a blessing today?
I can not think of a single thing.

Yesterday?
Nothing.

That's why I need to practice the habit of writing them down.
I forget too quickly.
I take too much for granted.

I have one thing: I am thankful for my husband. Thankful for the way he has treated me with grace. Thankful for the changes he has been making to make more time for us. Thankful for his attempt to be understanding when I am an emotional wreck. To not hold it against me when I overreact and flip out.

I have this one thing and it soothes the angst...

Yesterday's rainy morning visitor.  #slug #afterglow #afterglowapp

I sit here this morning
in the quiet of a rainy winter morning,
still struggling to find gratitude in the middle of my stress
and the mind-numbing heaviness I feel this morning.

I browse through the pictures on my cell-phone
and slowly what started as a task to complete
before my ought-to-be-monthly photo-dump
transforms into a moment of joy.

I look trough nine hundred photos.
A lot of joy in beauty and mess is chronicled in these snapshots.
Photo by photo my heart is lifted.

I guess somehow, without even realizing what I was doing, I have been counting blessings.
Not always in words, but in photos.

Meals - not always turning out as planned, but some of them were really good.
Smiles on the faces of my kids, beauty in bare trees and blue skies.
Words that I have captured on my phone because they encourage my soul.
Little things I would have forgotten except that I have them on my phone,
and I am thankful.



UntitledUntitledShelling pecansMy Emma, looking so cute today in the sweat her her Grandma knit for her big sister (when they were babies)My super-amazing boy
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