This morning I watch a ladybug crawl up my coffee mug.
I sit with my boys and we eat raisin bread squares
I think about my life
like a ladybug on my windowsill
When I was a girl, getting ready to launch into life as a woman I wanted to be a high school literature teacher. I wanted to marry my love for reading and the really good books of my childhood and my love for teaching into something I could love doing every day. I thought this would be my dream job. I knew a lot of my students wouldn't get it. I knew not every day would be note-worthy. I would say "if I could change just one life that would make everything worth it". Well, those plans didn't pan out... but still, I kind of go around with that mantra if I could change just one life.
The reality is that I've already changed just one life. I changed my parent's life simply by the act of being born. For better or worse I dramatically changed the life of my husband. I have five extraordinary people I have grown inside me and birthed into this crazy beautiful world. I have far and away fulfilled my desire to change just one life. But let's be honest - this doesn't feel like that.
My life is not some dramatic plot that will one day make a best-selling read. This is peanut butter and jelly made and eaten day after day. It is gallons and gallons of milk bought and drank, diapers changed and soiled and changed again. Carpets vacuumed and messes cleaned and kisses and hugs and precious but ordinary life.
So let's be honest: I don't want to change just one life. I want everyone to love me. I want that red carpet walk and the award for the best screenplay or whatever. I want to be well known and well loved. Motherhood is only glamorous when your kid is the next Anne Hathaway or Billy Graham.
Yikes - being honest is painful.
I feel like there ought to be another paragraph in which I reconcile my desire for everyone to love me with the reality of my ordinary life... but sometimes all we have is unanswered questions and sometimes it's just time to step away from the computer and join the dance party in the living room.