Friday, February 22, 2013

100 mornings - day 4: hiding

I wrote this on Tuesday night. I wasn't going to publish it but since I can't seem to write anything else until I do here goes...

I forgot to run the dishwasher.

It's been one of those days when I sit down at the computer to do one little thing and an hour later the littles have started running around the house and I'm asking them for what feels like the bazillionth time to please not bark like a dog in the house and I'm feeling a lot less quiet.

I have a friend coming over to drop her daughter off in the morning and I am so glad to get to play with this sweet little girl and I'm so happy to help a friend and I'm also nervous. Afraid of being seen. Afraid of showing the real me who still has a crock pot soaking from Sunday and REALLY needs to mop the floor. I think my friend is one of those "never goes to bed with dishes in the sink" type people, oh man I wish I were more like that. I struggle a ton with this stupid, simple thing

I feel the crazy-panic start to kick in (and I mentally kick myself because it's not like these plans were last-minute) but I remember what I said to my small group just the other day, encouraging them to let each other into the mess of ordinary real life. I'd just be really glad if they didn't see MY mess thankyouverymuch! I think about this as I wash my pots and pans from dinner last night.

I realize I hide because I'm afraid. Afraid that if people knew the real me, if they visited me in the middle of my mess, they would reject me. I want people to like me, I want people to think of me as kind of like perfect, because maybe if other people thought of me as perfect it might make it easier for me to live with my imperfection. You know, since me and perfection are pretty much separated by an entire continent.

Here's The Truth though - while yeah, now and then someone might come along whose strengths are my weaknesses and who doesn't want to be my friend, I think more people would rather be real friends with the real me, even the messy places of life. So I need to work on being self-disciplined with how I spend my time, but also let people into my real life - mess and all.

By the way - we had a wonderful time and my friend was (of course) super-sweet when she came over. I can't wait to have her over again! 
I so love these photos of my Emma & me - click here to see them full-size

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