Monday, October 29, 2012

from the mountaintop to the valley

I've been home from my retreat for a little over a week now. I came home and wrote a post about mountaintops and valleys.

I feel like I did a belly-flop into my valley and here I lay plastered to the ground of my normal, with my kids running all over me, pushing and pulling, demanding more and more of me.

Eli has started a screeching phase. All day I listen to him scream about this, scream for that. He knows a handful of signs and a few words but all he wants to do is scream and yell. When he's not screaming he's getting into mischief or sleeping on me. I'm loosing my mind.

And I just want to say, very quietly - I'm having a hard time.

I feel like I came home from that retreat as the "real" me. Not stressed-out me, not exhausted me, just me.

I miss me. I miss how I felt when I came home from the retreat. Calm, joyful, full of grace and gratitude.

Now I feel desperate. angry. helpless. I feel used, taken for granted. trapped on the hamster wheel of endless and meaningless monotony. I feel like everything is a fight and a struggle.

I take a step back and view this with a deep sense of calm. I am not upset. I think this is normal. I think this is how a lot of us mothers feel a lot of the time. I love being a mom. I love the person it has made me. I don't enjoy most of the day-to-day of it though.

James1:2Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, 3for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.


Let trials have its full effect

Let the labor pains of this day and of this season of my life give birth to something beautiful

steadfastness, patience, maturity.

Let: to allow to, to let go of

Stop fighting against the pain and pressure

Let steadfastness have its full effect

I am very much aware that I have been in much worse places in my life. This feels normal. Tired and stressed but normal. This doesn't feel like depression. And every day that I realize I've been smiling with my kids and enjoying their happy-dance I embrace it as a gift. It didn't used to be like this.  I can not remember a time when I have been free from depression for such a long a stretch as I have lately. It's wonderful not to have that weigh me down. To be more awake, to feel more alive. It is a blessing and I am grateful. But it's still hard. Just a different kind of hard.

James 1:12Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. 

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