Thursday, May 17, 2012

Thoughts and late night ramblings


It's pretty late.

I am really tired.

I'm waiting for Eli to wake up to nurse
so I can go to bed like everybody else.

It's been a loooooooooooong day

in the middle of a long week
in the middle of a month that has been hard
in the middle of a year that has been.... difficult, up and down, sweet and sour, amazing and awful
in this really complex, dynamic, intricate thing.


honestly it's been a lot lately,
I feel frustrated. 

Frustrated with how interrupted my life has been lately. 
Constantly, incessantly, unremittingly interrupted.

How hard it is to follow through on a thought, 
how difficult it is to finish even a simple conversation with my husband, 
or even get a shower 
or run the dishwasher. 

How I feel constantly torn in a million different directions 
and I feel like maybe I'm doing none of them well. 

Frustrated with how boring my life is right now 
sitting on the floor with my kids is awesome 
for like ten minutes
but when it's several hours of every single freaking day 
it gets old. 

Then I get frustrated 
with myself 
for being frustrated 
with my life. 

I have been given an amazing gift. 

Before Eli was born I used to look back to "the good old days" when it was just Beth & Emma in our little duplex, literally on the other side of the rail road tracks. I loved the simplicity of those days and I feel like I get to, in a way, re-live those days with the added blessings of big-sister helpers and perspective.

Sadly perspective is what I often lack. I get impatient with my life because it feel like there is nothing but dirty diapers and dirty dishes and dirty floors with no end in sight.

With no end in sight?

Eli's first  birthday is right around the corner. When did that happen? This year has gone by so quickly. He is saying Mama (eep!) and he's been saying Dada for months, he's going to be walking soon and he already exceeds his brother's capacity for mischief. He is going to be a holy terror of a two year old. I just know it. I can see it in his eyes. How he manages to sass me when he has a vocabulary consisting entirely of onomatopoeia I don't know... it's certainly going to be interesting! 

But I have to remind myself that even though this season is hard... that it's good for my character to go through this season with grace. To allow this season to do a good work in my heart. To become more patient with myself and others, to not be so insanely caught up with trying to live up to my impossible expectations of myself and my impossibly idealistic and romantic self-image.

Anyway, I just wanted to remind myself right here, right now. That the no end in sight bit is a lie that I choose to see for what it is. I choose to remind myself that this is hard but hard doesn't always equal bad. Hard isn't something we need to fight to get out of or get away from. Hard isn't something we need to feel sorry for ourselves about. Hard just is what it is.

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