This morning I woke up feeling like I'd been hit by a truck and then it backed up and ran over my head again for extra measure. I was laying in bed this morning trying to get up for the day feeling frustrated. I wanted this summer to be super-organized and ultra-productive but it hasn't been either of those things so far.
I feel like so far this summer has been something of a train wreck, with day on top of day that are more stressful than sweet. I've been overwhelmed and generally resentful of being constantly interrupted and inconvenienced - which is selfish of me, but there it is - I want to do what I want to do and I want it to be amazing and perfect. When the kids make it hard, when the baby starts crying, the bigger kids start fighting and all I want to do is have an uninterrupted conversation or a trip to the grocery store that doesn't bring me to close to tears. It's hard.
So as I was getting my head together this morning a verse came to mind, which I realized is a verse that I studied during the last semester of small group from the James Bible Study by Beth Moore :
Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God promised to those who love him. James 1:12 ESV
Steadfast means fixed, immovable, unchanging, steady, faithful and constant - this morning it means not giving up and letting the TV stay on all day, even though I don't feel well. It means not giving in to self-pity. It means taking a moment to step back and remember that even though the weight of these days sometimes feels unbearable and grate of my kid's neediness and immaturity feels like it will wear me down to the bone when I respond to them and the trial of sick kids, a sore throat and a massive pressure headache with grace God will bless me. I don't know exactly what this text means by "crown of life" it reminds me of other verses that talk about the crown God will give us on the last day and heavenly rewards but this verse also reminds me of those verses in Isaiah (especially in chapters 54-66 ) that talk about how God takes our sorrow and our ashes and turns them into beauty and glory and a crown, and God's glory and His delight in us and presence with us adorns our lives like a crown.
And let steadfastness have it's full effect that you may be mature... James 1:3