Wednesday, May 23, 2012

a blog post about nothing and everything


We're nearly half-way through our first week of summer break. Half of us are sick with some kind of awful head cold thing and we've been stuck at home watching Disney movies all day long. I hate it when my kids are sick but I seem to hate it twice as much when we are sick during the summer, it just seems so unfair and just plain wrong. Apparently lots of awful stuff is going around, like a stomach bug. I am so glad that's not us.

Did you notice the photo at the top of this blog post? It's an instagram of a song I was listening to earlier this week. I didn't download it, so if you do and it's got something offensive in it, I apologize, but I love the preview of it on iTunes. I so feel like that right now. There is just only so much whining, demanding, complaining and general bellyaching that you can listen to in one day!

I've felt like that sometimes when the hubs comes home from his awful, stressful day at work. I listen and try to be supportive but you know there's days when I think "Did you have to do that with a baby on your hip and a whining preschooler in the backseat and on top of it all a raging hormonal headache? Okay then - please take the baby so I can go step in the shower for five minutes." That's one of the reasons why I love my women friends - we post status updates that let each other peek into our very un-Pintersting lives. We post Instagrams and I can see that your roller coaster of a day is about the same as mine and we sit in the un-silence of time-outs and know that we're not alone. Or we stand around at small group and share a little bit of life and we know that this is normal stuff we're experiencing right now.

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The clouds were so beautiful on our walk this evening!
Tonight I drove to Wal-Mart at almost eleven because we're out of pretty much everything. I love staying up late at night,  I love how my mind starts to come alive, running around in the quiet and stillness of the night time. I enjoy the drive with the windows down and the cool night air coming in...then I hear a big moth beat agains the side of the van and start to worry about bugs flying in through the open windows and possibly stinging the baby and so I shut them, and then I start to worry that a deer will come bursting through the trees on the side of the road so I slow down and then I turn the radio off and I start talking to myself. I talk about blogging, about parenting, about where my life is going and what I want to do and what perspective I choose to have about it all. I like to get my thoughts out in the open. I am so like my mother with this, sometimes I just need to think with my mouth. In the quiet night of the van with just the baby asleep in the backseat, it just feels so good to get it out with no one else to worry about boring or offending. It's my ten minute on-the-way-to-Wal-Mart therapy session.

Watching the siblings play outside
I had a nice little talk with myself tonight about how lucky I am to be able to stay at home with my kids. As much as I hate it some days and would like nothing better than to get into a cute outfit, with hair and makeup done and a job that paid a regular paycheck, with benefits if-you-please, and drive away from the laundry and the dishes and the bickering and the repetitiveness and disruptedness of life right now I also love that today I was able to laugh love fight fuss and just be with my kids, to sing with them, to admire their drawings and hopefully show how to be gentle when provoked and apologize when you're not. As hard as now is, as difficult and boring and emotionally overwhelming as all of this is, it's worth it.

I'll never forget something that was said to me during our first parent-teacher conference. She said "You spend a lot of time with your daughter, don't you. I can tell. It really shows." In that moment I had one of those mountain-top perspective-altering moments when I realized how much it had meant to her and all of the things that she'd learned just by being around me. Even in the middle of my mess, even though there had been times when I cried on her bedroom floor praying I wasn't doing everything wrong, praying she wouldn't remember this awful day we'd had, even though there were days I could barely get off the couch, somehow it had made a difference and had set her apart as an excellent student.


Don't get me wrong - please don't hear me say that I think that stay at home moms are the best in the world. I really hate that stereotype and I love the times I've been able to work and volunteer outside the home, sometimes it was what I needed to help me feel a little more sane. Right now I am working from home, teaching photography classes and mentoring budding professional photographers.

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So, even though most days it feels like it doesn't matters all that much to anyone but me. Today I'm going to remember - it does.

1 comment:

  1. "External processing" aka talking to self... some of us need to do it!
    Love ya,
    Mum

    ReplyDelete

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