Thursday, November 3, 2011

me, unedited

please excuse the craptastic cell pics, I haven't taken any decent photos of myself all month.

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It's dark and quiet tonight. The hubs fell asleep on the couch, Josiah is snuggled up next to him watching sprout on TV. He took a long late nap today and hasn't fallen asleep yet. 

Now is the time that (if I'm not falling asleep in my chair) I start to think, I start to want to write... and tonight I know exactly what I want to write about.

This morning I read this post that got me thinking. 

It was like an echo from a couple of weeks ago when I was at my church's women's retreat. The theme was friendship and of all of the wonderful moments the one thing I wrote down was 

Authentic = Real = Intimate 

I read this post this afternoon and it was another echo, another prompt in the direction I know I need to go in.

I really struggle with authenticity. In person and online. I tend to try to blend in with the people I'm with - I want to say the thing I think they want to hear, or at least the thing that will make me look good. I want to be real with the person I'm sitting across from, but it's a struggle. I want to be real here but it's hard to know what to say. Even writing a post about being authentic has a temptation towards being trendy. 

I tend to want people to believe their perceptions of me are true. I wish they were true. I wish this soft and sensitive person was more caring and less self-sensitive and withdrawn. I wish I were as together as I sometimes appear, I wish I was always as calm as I am in public. I wish my life really was picture-perfect, but it's not. And if I want you to believe all those things about me are true then I have to keep you at arms length, because when you start to get close you start to see the ugly. But who really wants that? I really do want to have friends that come over even when my kitchen is a mess.


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Also I find myself self-censoring my photography before I've even picked up my camera and that totally squelches my creativity. I want to be perceived as a brilliant photographer, so I'm constantly worried that my photography won't be good enough. But my absolute favorite photos from this month were totally random and not at all perfect. I literally just waved my camera around while the shutter was held down. I find myself breaking my own rules more and more in my photography... I guess that's a good thing. 

Sometimes you just reach a place when you need to stop trying so hard. Just stop and be yourself. I have to stop trying to pretend to be better than I am and just be myself. I'm not a pro-blogger yet, and no matter how much I want to be one or pretend to be one, I'm not there yet. I'm not a pro-photographer yet, no matter how much I'd like to be, it just hasn't happened. I'm just a mom with a camera, who is willing to share what I've learned with others. I'm not a pro, I don't have all the answers but in teaching others I've learned a lot myself. This is tricky, and I have by no means figured it out. Because I honestly don't know who the person is behind the "I really want you to like me" facade is. I see her now and then and I like her, and when I take a deep breath, quiet all the self-doubt and am honest, I think you will too.










I wanted to share this from My Girl (Katie-Abigail) who almost never censors herself - it is SO happy, and the light is SO pretty!! Sorry about how it's rotated. Yes, she is singing the new Stephen Tyler song.


P.S. I hope you'll join me for today's SWAP link-up at The Bartering Blogger!


P.P.S Today I'm guest posting at Michelle from The Mama Bird's Thankfulness series.

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