Thursday, September 2, 2010

Something Personal

violet in the sunlight

I haven't written a deeply personal post in awhile... but this week I thought I was pregnant.  I was totally and completely and irrationally thirlled. I was so happy I sang with my girls in the morning on the way to school I was giddy with glee, just at the idea of a new baby. I skipped my second cup of coffee drank a whole allon of orange juice and happily ate eggs every morning for the extra protein.

It was completely illogical for me to be so excited - we have four beautiful children, and Daniel and I agreed to be done. I knew Daniel wouldn't be as excited as me about another baby and I had hoped that if we ever had another baby it would be because Daniel and I agreed - not because we had an "accident".

People ask me sometimes what it's like to have four kids and I usually say it's just MORE. It's more dishes, more diapers, more fights, more noise, more insanity and craziness and it's more overwhelming. But it's also more love, and hugs and kisses and cuddles. I felt totally overwhelmed with just two kids, I felt overwhelmed with three, but also became more confident as a mother. Four is overwhelming and exhausting and crazy - but then so was two and so would be more than four.

Yesterday I was literally shaking with excitement as I bought the tests, I felt so certain the results would be positive, but they were both negative. I told myself that I wouln't let it get me down but I cried all the way home from taking my kids to school this morning. Now I'm just waiting for my body to confirm what those damn test have already told me. I know it won't be a real miscariage, but it feels like it - like a miscarriage of the heart. The pregnancy felt so real to me. I had figured that the baby would be born in June and I hoped we could put June in her name... or Jane. I really like that name. Daniel was so sweet when I told him lst night. He said "well, you know there's stilla chance that you gota false negative. Maybe but two in a row? That's not too likely. I've never tested negative for a pregnancy and then later tested positive.

I'm totally crazy, I know. Irrational and emotional but today I can't help but miss having a baby. I don't know if I will ever feel like I don't want to have another baby. I see mothers in the Library with their beautiful babies and I know that while intelectually I can agree with Daniel that our hands and our home is FULL - emotionally I'm just not there. I just want to cry and cry and cry. The past couple days I have been so happy. Today I feel nothing but sadness.

I have my photography class which is a TON of work right at this point, plus my MIL is coming for the weekend and my kids have their first school holiday on Monday. I have plenty to keep me busy and don't really have time to be sad.

Anyway, I thought this would be something that many of you would relate to. If you're still reading, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to "listen" I think I feel a little bit better already.

my MIL's front yard
p.s. if you're wondering why I choose to use these {slightly crappy} flowers of spring weeds, it's because violets are my favoite flower and I love the warm quality of this light. 

24 comments:

  1. Hugs to you! It´s hard when you get your hopes up. Hope your hubby gives you the A OK and gives you the baby you long for. i´m one of 6 so I know what it is like to be in a big family and I love it. Not so much when I was a teen but now I do.

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  2. That happened to me once. It was almost as devastating as the "actual miscarriage" I had. I have a tear in my eye just for you right now...and a few for me! I was younger when it happened (27) and but I've been remarried since so it's safe to say that we aren't "done" but I will tell ya it's just as hard weather you plan to be done or not. As a woman being let down in such a way is no different than taking a hot wheels from a noddy 4 year boy! I as I'm typing I'm realizing that my comment isn't really all that uplifting or encouraging..the only things I can say is that with 4 hugs and 4 kisses and 4 1st days of school and 4 dolls on the floor it shouldn't be too hard to be happy again and get past it.

    and....in my life when I've been down it was comforting just to know someone else knew the exact kind of sadness I was feeling.

    P.S. I don't think those are {slightly crappy} photo's at all! I love the warmth as well! They look like puzzles!! Some of my favorite photographs are what you could call "slightly crappy" There is something to be said for the imperfection in those photos and..they make perfect puzzle gifts for mom!

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  3. ::Hugs!!:: I've been there and dealt with that, and you are correct. It IS a miscarriage of heart. I hope you find some comfort! :)

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  4. Sending hugs as well. I can so relate about not being there yet.

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  5. Awww, that was very sweet. This has happened to me before and it is such a spiral of emotions. It always seems these moments happen when someone else you know is about to announce they are pregnant, or just had a baby. Hugs to you! I always ask a good friend of mine if she thinks we will ever be able to say " I don't want another baby"... and mean it, wholeheartedly.
    I don't think I ever will... beautiful post!
    Brittany

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  6. OH man! I've been there too, and there's nothing like thinking you're pregnant to bring on a MAJOR wave of baby fever.....heart breaking.

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  7. such a moving post, I think most women have experienced that excitement and let down at some point in life. We were meant to have children and created to raise and love them...even from the first thought:-) I do have to say that with this pregnancy for me I had several negative tests because I was testing too early and finally had my positive later on. NOT trying to get your hopes up, but it can happen. Maybe this situation has raised the idea of having another baby in your hubby's mind and will get things going?! I will pray for peace and contentment with your wonderful family:-)

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  8. I'm in tears right now, I'm so sorry that you are feeling so sad right now. Before I was pregnant with my son I experienced the same thing, I was sure I was pregnant and was so excited but when it turned out I wasn't it was so devastating and I couldn't understand why! I hope you start to feel better soon, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  9. Hi Faith, I am one of your new followers.. sending *HUGS* out to you. I so understand what you are going through. The so long awaited positive pregnancy test I was waiting for finally showed up afer a whole year and a half of trying.. My happiness lasted for about a 3 weeks when I went for and ultrasound I had an empty gestational sack.. I had never felt soo much pain like I did that day.. Mind you I am a mother to a wonderful 3 year old boy.. I cried my heart out... All I would tell my self was God has a plan and it just wasn't the time for us.. So I say GOD has a plan for you too... all with time and Faith!! I can't wait to see more of your blog.. Looking into regestering for your e-photo class..

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  10. Many (((HUGS))). FWIW, I never tested + with a HPT with my 2nd child who is now 10 YO. I had to have my MW do a PG bloodtest which came back +. However, there have been times I thought I might be PG and wasn't. I know it's hard when you start dreaming about a new little one when you think you might be PG and how sad it can be when you're not. All in God's time and according to his plan ...

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  11. Faith, I'm sorry you are feeling down. I can not imagine having 4 kids or the sadness you are feeling. Hopefully your kids and hubby will cheer you up. hugs!

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  12. Awww, {Hugs} - I loved reading this. Mostly because it was honest, and raw, and real. I've experienced a miscarriage, and then a few months of those "heart" miscarriages, like you say. You described it so very well. I dread the day when it comes time to talk about being "done", four has always been the number in the back of my head. I think Hubby would be perfectly content with 2, but at the same time he's not likely to say no to more. Still...it's a season of life you want to stretch out as long as you can. I'm glad your man was sweet about it, though. May there be lots of heart healing coming your way!

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  13. I did not want to just read this and not comment. I am so sorry to hear that you are hurting. What a testament to the amount of love you have in your heart...for both the children that you already have and any that you might be blessed with no matter the planning or circumstance.

    I pray that you find peace and comfort.

    Thinking of you
    Mindy

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  14. Hi Faith,

    I have had two losses this year. The first one I lost at 8 weeks and the second they called it a "chemical pregnancy" and therefore it didn't really count....but it counted to me.

    I think that if there is a baby in your mind (and in your heart) then there is a baby. Chemical or not.

    I will be praying for you. Things like this suck but God's grace is sufficient.

    Erin

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  15. Oh Faith,
    not sure what to say. I have been there too. Well in fact I have been there 10 times (we tried for 10 months to have children before we were told we couldn't conceive any) Its heart breaking. I have 2 wonderful adopted children but my arms ache for another - I know though that we are "done". Its just something us women live with! Hope today is better than yesterday and that those girls of yours are keeping you busy!
    Angela

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  16. I totally know the feeling. I thought I might be just last month and I was pretty excited about it too. But, no such luck. We only have 2 and now that I'm not I'm thinking the same things you said...I'm overwhelmed with two, could I really have more? But there is a part of me that wants just one more. If it's meant to be, it will be.

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  17. I am so sorry you are feeling down. I do love the photos - the lighting is lovely. I really appreciate open and honest posts and this one is so touching. Special hugs to you!

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  18. Something very similar to this happen to me. I actually got a false negative and while I was sort of terrified I was also so excited. A few days later my body confirmed that I was indeed not at all pregnant and I was devastated.

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  19. I am so sorry for your heartache. It is just awful when you have set your heart on anything and it is not to be. I did have false positives with both my children, but I assume that if you are writing this post that is not to be.

    ((hugs))

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  20. What an amazing post Faith......you touched a yearning and desire that all of us experience at once in our life but also the disappointment of that unfulfilled hope. As we say here your post hit the nail on the head in expressing these feelings.

    Also the photo's of weeds are beautiful - God turns the most mundane into something beautifu

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  21. My heart goes out to you, I know how you feel...

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  22. I totally understand this post! I had the same thing happen- i was over a week late but had a faint positive which turned to a negative- What ever happens-maybe this is a way of showing you your heart for more? x

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