Sunday, March 21, 2010

Thinking...

When I wrote my post a few weeks ago about children I got a comment that has been thought provoking. She mentioned that this part of our lives is a season, it has a begining and it has an end. This is a truth I reminded myself of often during the chaos, messyness and exhaustion after Josiah was born, but not so much now.

So now I've been thinking about seasons coming to an end. The baby season is nearly over for me, Josiah is getting to be less and less of a baby every day and will be in pre-school before I know it. Our season in this house is nearly over too. I've LOVED having my gold-star girl, Katie-Abigail & Josiah home during the day while the big girls are at school. It gave me a MUCH needed rest. I wish that this season would never end but after we move I'll be homeschooling the big girls and K-A will be ready for Kindergarten next year, which will leave me at home with just one - a very new season for me!

As sure as anything seasons change and life changes too. One day all my kids will be at school, one day all my kids will be adults living on their own, one day they'll have kids of their own, and one day I'll exchange these trials and struggles for new ones. Joys too.
I had to trade the joys of a sweet nursing baby for the joys of a talking, playing toddler who gives the most wonderful hugs and kisses. And my toddler has become a wonderful preschooler who has learned to behave herself most of the time, and who is fun to talk to and has a wonderful laugh. My preschoolers went to school and I got to watch them flourish and succeed in a way I never imagined! I miss something from every season, but there has also been something wonderful in each new season too. I'm going to miss this time but I can see that it's time to move on.
Sometimes I think that this desire to stay in one season of life is rooted in fear. It's hard for me to imagine what my life could be like without a baby to take up nearly all of my time. It's also difficult for me to imagine stepping outside of that mommy persona that I have come to identify myself by and just be me. I think that in all the stress and exhaustion of life it's sometimes difficult to look past the present and look forward with hope and in joyful anticipation of all the new wonderful experiences we may have. It's also easy to just push things off into that far-off time when life will somehow be better. Things like getting organized, staying fit, learning some self-control and working at patience. But also following our dreams and investing in our passions. I remember when I was pregnant with Katie-Abigail mentally putting off all the things I wanted to do NOW onto the greying older lady future me. Things like writing, photography, gardening... I think she got overwhelmed and went into hiding because I really don't think of her much anymore. I also realize now that I don't have to put those things away completely. I may not be able to pursue my hobbies and interests with the intensity that I desire but I can and should incorporate them into my life now one way or another.
I may desire for life to be comfortably placid, but the reality is that I'm living in the crazy rushing river of life and I am going to choose to embrace it.

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