Thursday, April 3, 2008

a moment of peace

the weeds in my yard

Yesterday was a perfect spring day. The sun was shining warm and bright but there was a gentle cool breeze. Sue, a wonderful woman in my church came to give me a break for a couple of hours so I went to the park and took a walk on the track. It felt really nice to be alone and quiet. Not fussing at my kids or even focused on listening to music, just walking and observing. The birds were singing and the bees were buzzing and everything looked so green and alive.

I took a few minutes to do a few yoga poses and just sit on the grass under a tree for a few minutes (yes, I felt like a complete dork) I stretched into triangle pose looking up at the bright blue sky and for a moment it felt perfect and peaceful.

When I was done I just laid there in the grass and closed my eyes, I smelled the grass and relaxed into my alone-ness. It felt perfect and right to be there by myself, my own adult self. Alone. Not waiting for prince charming (he was across town selling pest control), not imagining myself as someone else in some move-cliche life, but just me. And as I got up out of the grass I felt as though in that moment I'd finally become free of the co-dependancy that has been such a huge part of my life. It feels so nice to stop seeing myself as an extension of someone else's life, but to have my own, full life. Making my own, individual choices.

This morning I sat in the semi-darkness of the morning listening to the birds. I never realized what a special time of day that is, before the light and the noise of the day starts. I laid out the quilt my mother made for me and let Josiah have some tummy-time and I just sat there. Not in the half-wake slouch of many other mornings, but purposefully. Finding a moment to center myself before the day began. Which was good because it was a dull gray, cold, lonely day today.

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