Monday, April 28, 2008

crawling out of my hole for a moment

Raider kids 5x7 hello.

I know it's been quiet here for a while. Well, whatever. Is it okay if I just don't care right now? Life has been crazy. No, I means really crazy.

Daniel was rear-ended (in the van) on Tuesday and taken to the emergency room. By God's grace I was at that very moment visiting with a friend who said "take my car. I'll watch your kids" so I went. By God's grace Daniel's injuries were not skeletal or severe and his medications were much less expensive then I had anticipated. He went back to the emergency room with his brother, who long-story-short is very helpful when it comes to this sort of thing. He got a new medication, which kicked his butt! So he's still in a lot of pain now but he has a couple of doctor appointments for today. Also he got an attorney and high blood pressure. His bottom number was over 100!

During all of this drama I've been fighting a cold/flu/whatever. I've had a runny nose, cough, fever, body aches. Josiah and Katie-Abigail also have runny noses and a bad cough. We made it all the way through winter without a day of sickness - the heat comes and bam! We're sick.

Bummer. What's up with that?

Plus Beth had a high fever and was throwing up all afternoon. Then had a low-grade fever for two days. She was throwing up everywhere and my nose was running, so I'm toweling off Beth while wiping my nose on the shirt on my shoulder. Eeeeew! I'm just so glad that was sort-lived. I was really concerned about Beth. I still have no idea what that was about.

In amongst all of this Daniel and I have been trying to come to a consensus about school for next year. We toured the public school around the corner for us. It really hasn't been that dramatic for Daniel, but it's really scary for me. I nearly cried during the tour, it was all so overwhelming. I've never been in school and the thought of sending Beth to school is scary to me. But Daniel and I both came away impressed with the school. The classrooms were so awesome and the teachers we met were really nice. So the decision is that we're going to put Beth AND Emma into school come August. (Double scary!) Maybe I'll write more about that another day. I'm hoping that this will de-stress my life a little and provide some structure to our days. Daniel likes the idea of exposing them to people who are different from us and our friends.

Lastly, but by no means least, my little sister had a baby!! But I haven't seen her yet because we're sick. I can't wait. I've been checking facebook like a crazy-person hoping someone will upload more pictures of my new little niece.

oh well. The J-man is up from his nap so I gotta' jet.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008


Josiah 7 months

Today has been so crazy. Josiah is really getting to be a handful. He's scooting now so putting him down on a quilt and expecting him to stay there is nolonger and option. He's also sitting up so now when I put him to bed for naps he sits up (or pulls himself up to stand) and screams. And he screams and screams and screams. I tried to let him cry it out today and he never went to sleep after two hours! And then the times when I walk him to sleep or nurse him to sleep the girls wake him up! I'm ready to just explode! But thankfully Daniel is (finally) on his way home and he said I could take a walk when he gets home - that sounds like a good idea!

Sunday, April 6, 2008


 This is the song that's been stuck in my head all afternoon.

I feel so overwhelmed by my life. It's a wonderful, full life. But it's also complicated and confusing. I often feel overwhelmed by the messiness of it all and by how difficult to understand it all is. But today I was reminded that striving to understand everything that is going on in my life, and striving to find the answer that will make everything tidy and cozy - that is just striving for the wind.
Life with God, it seems is messy and not easily understood. Yet it seems to me that the only place of power and of peace is the place of surrender and faith. When I know that God's will for my life is better than any I would choose for myself - better but not easier. Definiely not easier.
I was praying for a friend today and I was overwhelmed as I prayed for her by the simplicity of life with God. The simplicity of being more overwhelmed with who He is that with life and of simply letting go of that desire to be in control and surrendering to His plan. It is so simple and yet it is so difficult for me to put into action.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

a moment of peace

the weeds in my yard

Yesterday was a perfect spring day. The sun was shining warm and bright but there was a gentle cool breeze. Sue, a wonderful woman in my church came to give me a break for a couple of hours so I went to the park and took a walk on the track. It felt really nice to be alone and quiet. Not fussing at my kids or even focused on listening to music, just walking and observing. The birds were singing and the bees were buzzing and everything looked so green and alive.

I took a few minutes to do a few yoga poses and just sit on the grass under a tree for a few minutes (yes, I felt like a complete dork) I stretched into triangle pose looking up at the bright blue sky and for a moment it felt perfect and peaceful.

When I was done I just laid there in the grass and closed my eyes, I smelled the grass and relaxed into my alone-ness. It felt perfect and right to be there by myself, my own adult self. Alone. Not waiting for prince charming (he was across town selling pest control), not imagining myself as someone else in some move-cliche life, but just me. And as I got up out of the grass I felt as though in that moment I'd finally become free of the co-dependancy that has been such a huge part of my life. It feels so nice to stop seeing myself as an extension of someone else's life, but to have my own, full life. Making my own, individual choices.

This morning I sat in the semi-darkness of the morning listening to the birds. I never realized what a special time of day that is, before the light and the noise of the day starts. I laid out the quilt my mother made for me and let Josiah have some tummy-time and I just sat there. Not in the half-wake slouch of many other mornings, but purposefully. Finding a moment to center myself before the day began. Which was good because it was a dull gray, cold, lonely day today.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

please be polite

to myself, I mean.
I read this phrase in "eat pray love" about being "polite to yourself" and I thought it made such sense. I read it again today in this book I picked up from the Library called "Mariel Hemingway's Healthy Living from the Inside Out" it's a 30 day program of making healtheir, sustainable choices (rather than a regimen for overhauling your life) and she begins the program by writing "There's just one more thing I ask of you before you read further. When you decide to commit to doing the 30-Day Program, please also commit to being kind to yourself... I'm against making big resolutions because they always come loaded with guilt."

One of the first exercises is to write an e-mail to yourself, promising to be kind to yourself and so I thought that maybe it would be fun if I posted it here instead.

I, Faith, agree to be kind to myself through the month of following these suggestions. I agree to treat myself with the compassion and patience I would treat a close friend. I agree to drop the harsh criticism I put on myself when I look in the mirror or eat something bad for me or am not perfect at everything I do. For the next month I agree to act like I am my own best friend. Whenever I catch myself thinking mean thought about myself I agree to ask myself "would I sat that to my best friend?" I agree to not aim for perfect, but for balance.

There, now that I've got that out of the way I wanted to share another quote: "Making changes is an experiment, not an exact science. It's an art, not a how-to. You become the creator of your own journey to wellness when you listen to what you need. You become the artist of your own life when you discover the routines and rituals that reflect who you are and what you believe..."

I'm kind of excited to go through this book because I've really appreciated the few, simple changes I've made. I've tried to make positive choices (adding something - like my morning smoothie rather than prohibiting something) and I'm finding that each positive choice encourages more positive choices. Like being more responsible with my other meals and aiming for more fresh/raw/whole foods. For instance I've been having snack attacks and so instead of turning to chocolate (we ran out!) I ate some bite-sized prunes. (so sweet!) and instead of eating chips (the dog ate them all) I'm eating some chashews. WAY more fat but also lots more protein and minerals than chips. So anyway... I'm sure I'll have more to say about this - I always do!

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