Tuesday, February 12, 2008

honesty

I've had this post rolling around in the back of my mind for a while now, just haven't had the time to write it and frankly I'm still not sure I have the right words to write what I'm thinking. On Saturday it hit me as I was cleaning and listening to my CD by the Fray, and one of the lines in one of the songs goes like this: maybe in five or ten yours and mine will meet again and straiten this whole thing out, maybe then honesty need not be feared... And I wondered "why do we fear honesty?" I know I fear honesty. Transparency has continually been difficult for me. I am, to most people, a closed book, ambiguous, indirect, ever hiding behind a smile and something polite. It goes deeper than a naturally reserved personality and farther than a character of integrity. Still, honesty eludes me, especially in relationships. I struggle to find the words to bring form to my longings, the right time and the right way to say what's on my mind. I often stand in front of my bathroom mirror silently rehearsing speeches, forming sentences I will not ever say. Why is this? I am the last one to attempt to give an answer. I can not explain this longing for the light yet this permanent residence in the gray shadows between the darkness of lies and the light of truth.


I guess this is one of a million reasons why I love Jesus so much, because he is light, pure light; there's not a trace of darkness in him (1 john 1:5) though I don't always understand Jesus, though there is often mystery, there is always honesty. He takes me from the shadows of fear and self-doubt into the light of his glorious love and he speaks the truth to my spirit. With Jesus honesty need not be feared...

I was talking to Daniel about this and he mentioned that this fear also is a response to how others have responded to our honesty in the past, that was a really great point.

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